Boy, when I fall off, I fall ALL the way…..
But work events are over….Summer is here…..and I have ABSOLUTELY no excuses why I can't concentrate on doing this THING and doing it RIGHT!
So here is me…..back on the wagon….all the way!
Hold on, its gonna surely be a bumpy ride.
I'll admit it, I feel like I'm in a freefall situation here….
Right now work is heavy, the kids are gearing up to gear down for end of school and start of swimming, I'm the computer rep for the Swim Team as well as a Board member, and well, I'm just making excuses…
Making excuses to have reckless behavior….I know it, I admit it, and am doing absolutely nothing about it.
Each morning I resolve, "NOT TODAY"…and by evening that mantra is out the door.
I have no one to blame but myself. I have no excuses that could even justify it…(because there is NONE in my book)….and I just need to suck it up!
This is my ANGRY note to myself.
Why in the hell do you work so hard and then sabotage yourself? Why are you so adamant that you can do it "differently" than you know you have to? Why can't you just put that _____ down and walk away? I'm tired of hearing you whine and complain about it. I'm tired of going through the same 5-10lbs every couple of months. Do this or either Don't do this, but make a decision. Is your health worth it or is it only worth it "when you feel like it?". You are stronger than this. You can beat this, because make no mistake about it….. this is a battle, a war you're waging. And the win is worth time with your family and loved ones. I know you get stressed out and I know the road gets long and hard….but isn't that when you need to be your strongest anyways? So why do you let that make you your weakest?
You talk a big talk but let's see you walk the walk. Let's see you show your children just how much they can do when they put their mind to it…. Let's see you get the WHOLE family moving and healthy…because it's not only YOUR life you're dealing with here, face it, it's the WHOLE family….and couldn't everyone be a LITTLE healthier????
Last night I ran C25K Week 5 Day 2…AGAIN.
I ran it originally about a year ago…for the very first time. I remember the elation and then I remember the dread. Dread that the very next run would be a steady 20minutes. The max I had done until then (in my LIFE) was 8 minutes. I think I was worried for the rest of that evening and all the rest day. Then it came time to "do" it. And you know what, I didn't. Nope, I fizzled out somewhere around 15 or 16 minutes. I don't remember. But you know what I do remember? That the very next day, I tried again. And DID IT!
I swear at that moment when my Ipod announced that it was time for my cool-down (walk), I could have done cartwheels the rest of the way home. And now, here I am again. Not just for the 2nd time, but either 4th or 5th. WHY? Because I mentally set myself up to fail. Instead of remembering that I have done this. That I have trained, that I know how to breathe, that my body will make it, that I won't die if I sweat a little…..all I can think of is how HARD its going to be.
Several of the bloggers I follow are on the same step as I face now. And thankfully they have been honest about their efforts also. Its disheartening to go out and read the blogs and feel like everyone is succeeding EXCEPT you. MsFatass over at her blog insightfully details her 20min. attempt. And I have to admit, as much as I LOVE reading the successes of everyone, it's reassuring to read an attempt that did not result in a "success" every now and then. Because LIFE is never all success. And sometimes when you ride that high, you forget what the down times are like…or rather you forget how YOU are responsible for getting yourself out of those dips….and when I say you, I mean ME.
Tonite is definitely an "OFF" night from running. I usually don't listen too much to the 3 day a week rule since its really only 30 minutes of cardio….BUT….I also have been treadmill running…until last night. And for any of you that do both…..you know the difference it makes in your joints….or maybe you don't….I AM getting older….. the treadmill always is a "softer" run but also feels a lot faster than what the speedometer says…when I'm running 5mph on the treadmill, I feel like I'm struggling. Road running is harder on my hip joints but I run faster….averaging at 5mph with no problems…..my distance is correct, it's been measured…but I can finish on the road much quicker than on a treadmill???? But then again, its easier to get "lost" in running on the road, so I think I just get more into the scenery instead of paying so much attention to speed….
I've got about 2 more weeks of REALLY heavy work and then it'll fall off almost at once (BIG tradeshow). I hope to resume weight training then. Until that time, I just make sure I get the cardio in 4-5 times a week. And I'm okay with that. Holding steady is much better than backward movement!
Tomorrow night is 20min. C25K run. I'll let you know how it goes. As Booker T. Washington said, "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." Whether tomorrow night, the night after, or the night after that…….I will overcome this obstacle and move on to the next…. Each step to doing so is a step of success…
So if you read my blog yesterday, you noticed that I was a little upset….at the scale, at myself, at no progress.
I just wanted to drop a quick note and let you know I took that anger and turned it into determination. I ate well yesterday and went to the gym last night, even though I still feel that it is doing no good……but I refuse to give up. One way or the other, I will do this.
Started with 30 min. on the Crosstrainer, which I absolutely love. Finished 7.5 miles in 30 minutes, got the heart rate pumping and was sweating enough to make the Hot Yoga class jealous. Moved onto Couch25K run…and since I took 2 weeks off from running, I went back to Week3 Day3. And fully did it. I even kicked up the speed on both the walking and running parts since I was doing a "do over". I'll pick up and continue from this point forward. Then I moved on to the Arc Trainer (thanks to Tony over at The Anti-Jared who shared his favorite piece of equipment a couple of days ago in his blog). Seems our gym has two versions of this thing…one with stationary handrails and one with moving ones. I did the stationary one---just to get use to the movement and such. I was able to crank up the incline and resistance fairly high at times, but the machine self regulated since I was on "cardio" program and kept bringing it back down….I guess next time I'll do manual program. Finished things up with a nice bike ride…….
So, I'm back on the wagon friends…..got my new water bottle beside me here and have committed to cutting out all drinks of any type until I've got a minimum of 64 oz of water down….then I will allow myself some decaf tea or one can Coke Zero. Brought my lunch—which has been and probably always will be a large tossed salad filled with veggies and chickpeas with a chicken breast overtop. Didn't get my protein this morning but I did get two pieces of 9 grain toast. Thinking I'll get a snack in a few minutes—brought some kiwi slices.
How 'bout you? What do you do following disappointment? Are you a "get-up and dust yourself off" type person or does it take a while? I can be both. This time I choose to not give in.
There… I said it. Today I am choosing to wallow. Wallow in self-pity, frustration, anger, failure, and just about any other negative emotion you can think of, I've got. No one can talk me out of it. No one can bring me out of it. Today I want to mumble under my breath, I want to hate everything, I want to be dark and foreboding and think that NOTHING can make it better……………okay, so for the first half of the day at least….and it's 12:36pm now, so I guess I have decided to turn that corner……
Today, after a week "off" as suggested by my weight training plan; and an Easter weekend full of sweets, foods I wouldn't normally have eaten, and not nearly enough water……….I'm right back where I started. Yep. Today the scale read – SCREAMED--- 182!
I want to kick and scream and curse and blame anyone but me. It took me from 01/25/2010 to get from that number down to 174. I count EVERY morsel of calorie I put in my mouth. I make good choices. I exercise probably MORE than I have time to and feel guilty for leaving my kids to do it or guilty for not getting enough exercise……and still it took me 2 months to lose 8 lbs.
Don't give me the "that's 1lb a week" crap. I was working out enough to lose 5lb a week. And I was monitoring my intake also. Not too restrictive and the right amount of macronutrients for me (I have to have A LOT of protein).
So what's up? Why can everyone else post -2, -4, and I can't? How come when I look back at their blogs when they had ONE week of not losing (much less 5 or 6 like I have) they never get upset…they never cry….they never curse….they never relapse.
I'm here to tell you… I do. I do all that….cry, curse, relapse, get angry, and then………….I move on.
Today is another Day 1. Today I start again, just as every day is a new day. And one day you'll see me post that I've reached my goal just like I've seen others do.
And I know there is no one or no thing to blame except for me. I have to find what works for me. And giving up won't do it.
Today I will eat healthy. Today I will be back in the gym. Today I will take steps forward instead of back.
I've escaped J
Actually, since Thursday of last week I've just been either a)sick b)busy or c)celebrating Spring and my birthday or d)all of the above.
Today I'm officially 40. What my older kids (and probably the younger ones, but not where I can hear) would call me old. I'm pretty sure I wear it fairly well. We'll see when the new driver's license comes…had to go renew it this morning.
On Jack Sh*t's blog today he talks about "why" being what he believes most people want to know when reading weight loss blogs. He's got a lot of questions. Good questions. Deep questions. Questions that I believe you must know the answer to in order to make this weight loss journey a success……the proverbial "last time" you go through the vicious cycle we all have been through before. Don't get me wrong. EVERY step is progress…whether you lose and regain, never lose, whatever. You always (hopefully) get close to answering the "why".
Why am I doing this? -- I want to lose weight and get healthy for several reasons. One is to live longer, stronger, healthier and to enjoy a level of quality of life that unhealthy people don't have. Weight is not an issue….unless it affects my ability to run, jump, escape, enjoy, let loose…etc. And right now it does. Not such much as 16lb ago. So I wonder what will it be like in 16 more lb? Maybe that will be the end. Maybe not. I'll decide when I get there. But I already have an underlying medical condition that I have to have regulated and monitored every 3 months. WHY would I set myself up to be unhealthy by being over my "healthy" BMI and at MORE risk of dying than I already am?.....so I guess I answer the question WHY with my own…..WHY would I not when I have so much to lose?
I saw this show once that put people in "emergency" situations they had to escape. They were always out of shape and usually overweight. Wildfires in the California Hills; an Earthquake ravaged city---these are the 2 scenarios I remember. The first couple (wildfire) couldn't run at all to escape the fire; they couldn't climb the hills; they couldn't traverse a ravine…..not without stopping every minute or so to breathe. And mind you, there was no fire, no smoke actually threatening them…only a stopwatch. They were then gifted a trainer for 2 weeks. They came back (lighter) and completed the course again. It was amazing to see the difference in 2 weeks! I live in Richmond, VA. We often have hurricane warnings as we are very close to the ocean (1.5 hours); we have tornadoes, we have floods, and we live very close to DC, Newport News, and Norfolk (terrorism). We could be in an emergency situation any day. I need to be able to assist my family in being able to protect and safeguard ourselves. I can't do that if I'm unhealthy.
Last night I did Couch to 5K Week 5 Day 2. Warmup walk 5 minutes, Run 8 minutes; Walk 5 minutes; Run 8 minutes; Cooldown walk 5 minutes. To a runner, I'm sure they'd chuckle at the measly 8 minutes x two. Last night, and still today, I feel nothing short of pure pleasure. 8 minutes can save my kids' lives, my husband's life; It can save my life! To anyone who has thought about running (jogging is more my speed as I only jog at 4.5-5mph and even slower if I need to!) Just get up and do it. Couch to 5K is an amazing program. I'd recommend it to ANYONE…regardless of weight. Work the program and the program will work for you. Complete each day….honestly….and then move on. Forget about speed. Walk as slowly as you have to….jog as slowly as you have to. There is a definite difference in gait and movement. Cheat and you only cheat yourself. Succeed and EVERYONE wins! Once you can do the time and complete the program…Start over and increase speed…. Some days will be daunting. I face a 20 minute straight run tonite. It'll be hard. There'll be tears. There'll be praying, There'll be music and sweat, and then there'll be VICTORY…….because my main reasons for doing this are these:
I can do this. I will do this. You can do this. You will do this. Some days will be great. Some will be good…and let's face it, some will outright SUCK. But wouldn't that happen whether or not you're healthy?
Happy St. Patty's Day to all!
It took forever to write today. Not because I couldn't think of anything. But rather, I couldn't focus on one thing.
This weekend was … there are so many words that I wanted to use… horrid, awful, depressing, disheartening…. Take your pick.
But then I decided that's exactly what I've done in the past. Concentrated on the hard part and not the long term. I did my last daily weigh in Sunday. And you probably can guess….no loss.
But, today, I can also say…no gain either.
And that's what I'm choosing to focus on.
I'm reading New Rules of Lifting for Women, which is supposedly FABULOUS! I'm going to be integrating this into my Body for Life schedule and combining the two. I've done a lot of research on Schuster and his ideals. I'm pretty impressed so far….and ready to drop the Barbie weights…although I never would have said they were light before….but I'm going feet-first into his start up and integrate in with my cardio. NROL4W advocates not cutting calories except minimally, which ties into my challenge last week. So I'm going to continue to follow that (even though I didn't post a loss)….and see how that works out for me. 1600 calories on non-workout days and 1900 on workout days…..
On week 5 of Couch to 5K this week. Running 5 and 8 minute stretches…. I remember this now. Soon, VERY soon (1 week?) they throw in a 20 minute run. I remember the FIRST time I ever completed it……ELATION! I can't wait to do it again! (and again, and again, and again!)
Remember-----Marathon not Sprint!
As you can tell, all my posts don't deal with losing weight exclusively. And sometimes different topics are unilaterally applicable to various things.
Right now, I'm in a holding pattern.
With my weight loss, which while is evident from the way my clothes fit (and having to get smaller jeans) and the way I look (everyone has said something) that my best friend and worst enemy, all at the same time, the scale REFUSES to move yet again.
I swear I could go back, copy posts from 3 weeks ago, and paste them in. It's a definite trend on my weight loss monitor. I lose well for one week, lose slightly the next week and hold for three to four weeks.
I honestly can't figure this out. I am working hard at making changes. I eat much better. I am at the gym on average 5 times a week.
I am getting stronger. I am no longer sore when I do my weight training. I can do four times as much ab work as I used to. I can run for 5 minutes at a time at 4.5mph, with 2.5 minute rests in between. I can climb 100 flights of stairs without passing out, and I have completed a Triathlon in a month……but I still wait for the approval of a $50 pound scale? I truly must be insane.
Of course the other alternative is that there is a conspiracy somewhere made up of my enemies (of which, I must confess, I can make MANY due to my openness). And said enemies have snuck into my house and rigged, YES, RIGGED my scale to read the same exact thing for weeks on end. Hmmpph… Little do they know, that from this day forward…. The scale rules me no more.
Oh, I will use it. I will notice my weight. But that's it. No living and dying by the scale. In fact, I think I'm putting that thing away. Weigh ins are ONLY allowed every other week....it'll kill me at first. But you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat. PURRRRRRR is all I can say.
Busy weekend. But as always, I've got a plan to conquer it! Twins have a basketball game tonite at 6, so we're headed to the local Italian restaurant—Roma's—here in our little town. It's ABSOLUTELY the best! The owner is always around. She is GRAND! The staff are wonderful! The food---well, the food is AMAZING! But my favorite thing about them lately-----when I explained to the waitress last week I was eating healthier….she and the kitchen staff were more than happy to grill me a chicken breast with onions and mushrooms—no oils and I tacked on a green salad with vinegar & oil for dressing even though none of that was on the menu….and it was reasonably priced. Hubby is doing Atkins---which works for him but not for me. They have a hamburger steak with onions (no gravy) and a double order of broccoli for him. He says it is out of this world good. And the twins, their favorite is pizza or pasta. So we'll all leave happy and fed. While DH and I watch what the twins eat, we're very careful about imprinting our unhealthy attitudes about food on them. They are free to order most anything they want….because they are SOOO active and burn off amazing amounts of calories. But they also know they are expected to eat well. So with their pizza or pasta I know they both will be getting salads.
Saturday is yet another basketball game. Early – 9am. Just checked my Google Calendar---which by the way, if you don't use, you should! My kids, DH, and I all have one that we share with each other. It makes keeping track of events, no matter where you are, EASY!!!!! I can use my Ipod to input things away from home. I LOVE IT!!!!! At noon, my gym has a Yoga class that I might try to make. Later that night, 8pm or so, the granddaughters are coming and spending the night.
Sunday, DH works….and the rest of us will head off to church. Daughter will come get grandkids. We'll eat something at home (Right now turkery and LF swiss on an all-grain sandwich round is my thing) and then head off to the Awards Banquet for basketball. That ends at 5 or so. At 7 we're meeting our older kids and their SO at a chain called Dave & Busters. It's an arcade/restaurant for adults. I've been told they have salads. I'm sure they can grill a piece of chicken.
I've found that if I plan it all out (for food) I tend to be much more successful. Failure to plan = Planning to fail.
I'm so happy today is Friday. It's supposed to touch 60!!!!! All weekend and Monday! Sounds like we might have A LOT of cases of Spring Fever coming up around here in Richmond, VA!
