How Come It’s Always Funnier In My Head?

Dear friends, as you may have noticed, I never cease to entertain myself. In my head, I am a primo comedian. I am constantly chuckling all day at the stupid funny things I come up with. So how come they are never as funny when I put them into writing? I mean, jeessshhhhh, what's with you people? How come you just aren't as tickled as I am? Obviously you are missing your funny bone. I mean, it couldn't be me.

Perfect example: So last night dear hubby had class (M,W & Th nights) 7-9:40pm. So around noon yesterday, I was going with him and going to the gym. At 3pm, I wasn't. At 4 I was. At 4:30 I wasn't. It was just THAT kind of day, KWIM? So at 4:48, yes I did note the exact time mentally, I committed that yes indeed I was going to the gym and securing my carpool with him. Now remember, his class starts at 7pm. He parks 50 feet or less in front of the doors to the building. We live 20-30 minutes away. So you would think we would leave by 6:15p to get to class right? NOPE. We are on a "schedule". So he can "prepare" before class. My dear friends, we are leaving our house "no later than 5:30pm." In order to do that, I tear out of work at 4:59 grabbing my belongings, rushing out the door, locking said door since I'm the only employee left, and driving home like a bat of …. quickly. Anyways. I make it home in 15 minutes. (I actually only work about 15 minutes away so THAT was no great feat but I did manage to avoid the 1 red light that could have held me up). Dash in the house, kiss the twins, make sure they have dinner covered, find out one is not feeling well, sit down to assess him..no fever, no snot (sorry, but true), no vomiting, eyes are a little glassy, stomach a little upset but he's eating a sleeve of saltines. Our Jennifer assures us he'll be fine and we should go. (She knows the DH's time thing). Find out DS was hungry from the time he got out of school, rationalize its just low blood sugar, and I'm up to kiss the other twin, dash into my room, and start flinging clothes off and every where. –Believe me, NOT a pretty sight!—The cat sits at the end of the bed watching like it's the most normal thing in the world.

I'm heading to the bathroom (you know you just HAVE to go before going to the gym). Yelling at my husband to find my sports bra, running pants, socks, my compression shirt, a BIGGGG t-shirt ----not the small one like last time, and my running shoes if he wants "to help speed me up" (that's my SECRET phrase to get him to help me with ANYTHING!) I swear he reminds me of an old movie I saw where the father is a time managing freak and times the kids each morning to the second of getting ready…but I digress. Now I do have one spot where I keep all my workout clothes, so securing these items is actually easy. And DH has them ready for me when I come out the WC. I start throwing things on and once again, he's gotten me a T-shirt that is what I'd call a "wearing" t-shirt, not a workout t-shirt. So I have to go digging in his drawers---LOL----see my brain is spinning but I won't go off on a tangent-------for one of his t-shirts with a little more room to move. Find that, throw it on….pull on the shoes jumping down the hall on opposing feet…..and jog down the stairs… OKAY, let's go. Believe me, I think "dressing for working out" burns as much calories as any other cardio I might do on a light day.

And yes friends, we made it out the house at 5:20pm. On campus by 5:45. You think that's the end of the story? Not a chance.

I complete my running (Couch to 5K Week3 Day2), Body For Life lower body workout, 30 minutes on the CrossTrainer ……………and its about right there that I had had it. I was tired. I wanted to stop. But I looked at my watch and it was 7:30???!!!! WTH…………I felt like I'd been there FOREVER. So its way too early to be expecting to leave (remember, class ends at 9:40pm) so I hustle on over and do 30 minutes on the Bike. And about right there my calves (both!) start getting Charlie Horses. OUCH! Okay 8pm. MOST nights DH gets out a few minutes early. So if I walk the 1.5 miles to his class instead of him coming to get me, that'll burn 30 minutes (---I was honest, I wasn't POWER walking NOWHERE!!) So it'd be 8:30p…and I could wait the 30-45minutes for DH. I send DH a text message that says "on my way up there now…don't leave til you see me" JUST IN CASE..because you know how that works.

Superwoman that I am……started walking…….forgetting that I did not wear my usual hoodie sweatshirt because DH dropped me off tonite due to RAIN. Yep…..rain! But I'd committed and "don't tell me what I can't do."(—Smoke Monster who looks like John Locke but isn't REALLY John Locke)…. I keep my Ipod on, and bebop myself on up campus in 23 minutes. Try the doors to the building…and YEP…..LOCKED! Luckily there are benches out front…. I mean, it's a college campus of 35,000….surely someone will come out or go inside in the next 15 or so minutes right? RIGHT? Text DH "outside doors locked". Thought he might get a break and could come open the doors…….

No one came, no one went. At 9pm I sent DH this "So, how many calories DOES fighting off hypothermia burn?". At 9:15 I sent "Got permanent chicken skin now". The temperature outside is really dropping and I'm REALLY cold. I also know that DH has a bad
good weird habit of making sure when he puts his phone on silent vibrate of making sure he puts it somewhere he can actually feel it when it goes off……and men, you'll have to help me out on this one, but what he does is stick the thing under the ol' twig & berries, the tacklebox, his "equipment" on the seat of the car, chair, whatever……….. I mean, that's just frickin' hilarious to me. I'm laughing now as I write it. So anyways, I figure by now four text messages probably has him well,…..probably hoping for more. LOL J

Now it's 9:20 and I'm FREEZING! So I type to DH "I hope you are enjoying these text messages. Hope they give you a lot of excitement. Then both of us will be stiff, but for different reasons. "

I mean to tell you, I found myself untouchable. I thought I was HILARIOUS. People would pay me money to read this stuff I tell myself. And VIOLA, 2 seconds later my husband shows up at the doors, laughing….but he does let me in. Good thing too, the class ran til the last minute last night. I was beginning to fear the police showing up to pickup the old, crazy, homeless lady sitting out front bebopping, doing squats, lunges, and dancing to music doing the white-man's overbite.

Today, writing it, still cracking me up…….What do you think?