Some Days I Just Want to Scream . . .

It's those days when I have to choose what I should do over what I really want to do. . .and for once, I'm not talking about food or exercise, although I have those days too.

What's WITH people these days? I'm truly disgusted with the lack of common decency between the member of the human race. If your mother, daughter, brother, etc… were starving, needed a ride, wanted a pick-me-up…you'd do it right? Why because you don't know a person do they not deserve the same? Ever notice that people will tend to help strangers before they even acknowledge and reach out to help a "friend". With friend like that. . . .

I get so ANGRY. I want to revert to my old self. I want to be a heathen. I want to be uncouth, unregulated, unbound. I want to do harm, I want to do damage. But I know better. On these days, I wish, I PRAY that I didn't know better, but I still do. Can I rest easier knowing that my God is not only a loving God but a vengeful God also? That all His power is behind me? --------- Yes and no. Once I get "off the ledge" and talk myself down, I can…..but in the moments of the rage, of the blinding ignorance of others, my gut wants to react and react with force and ugliness. And in my heart, I know that I thought it, means just as much as if I had done anything about it. Sometimes that saddens me, sometimes it makes me feel like "WTF, I should do it anyways then". Yes, I struggle with my faith just as much as I struggle with my weight and health. I'm not perfect. But I can see that and own that. And move on and try better next time.

But for now, I want to be angry…I want to scream. I want to wrap my hands around a couple of scrawny necks and sqquuuueeeeeeeeezzzzeeeee until they turn blue, shake them, and ask them "WHY?".

For my friends……."I'll stand by you every step of the way." Working out last night, a heard a song that said it for me. "Lean on Me"….
Lean on me when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on….If there is a load you have to bear That you can't carry I'm right up the road I'll share your load If you just call me….

For my enemies…..or should I say people who say they are your friend but will stab you in the back the first chance they get….."Get out of my way today. Today is a day where later I will thank God for Jesus' reconciling grace because for what I FEEL like doing, I'm gonna need it. And if you happen to cross me today, I can't promise that I'll be any better than YOUR behavior of late." And there was a song that expressed that for me last night too……"Hollaback Girl"… I heard that you were talking shit And you didn't think that I would hear it People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up So I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out That's right, put your pom-poms down, getting everybody fired up

Needless to say last night's workout was GREAT! Lots of fast, angry music! Had to cut it short…hubby's class ended an hour and 40 minutes early…only got in 2 hours….. 20 minutes on the rower (GREAT core workout); 10k in 27 minutes on the Xtrainer at Level 7; and 60 minutes (13.5 miles) on the bike………………… I entered a Cumulative Ironman Triathalon Challenge at the gym. Runs February 1-April 2, 2010. I did the non-swimmer which means I have to row. ***I can/do swim but I wanted to focus on the total workout and didn't feel like getting in the pool after working out and then going out in the cold*** So in that time frame I needed to Row 15,000 meters; Bike 112 miles; Run/Walk 26.2 miles.

As of TODAY: I have ROWED: 19,920 meters; BIKED:
46.32 miles; and RUN/WALK: 30.02 miles. That means I have completed TWO of the THREE! I have 65.68 miles to go on the bike, but at a little over 12 miles per session, that's 5 sessions!!!! I'm setting a new goal of completing this challenge by MONTHEND.

-Susan